Let go of the old, embrace the new

 

Have you had the experience of trying hard for something, and it seems that the harder you try the more you can’t? I know this happens so often in my life. When I find myself trying hard, I know that I am forgetting a few basic principles of the subconscious mind.

One of these principles is, the harder you try to do something, the less chance you have of doing it. This is called the Law of Reverse Effect. Try is actually a negative word to the subconscious mind. This was something I learned in my hypnosis training 18 years ago. When the subconscious mind hears the word try, it actually interprets it as “do not” or “cannot.” When you are “trying” to do something the subconscious knows you are trying, because this is the language you are using when you speak and think about what you want to accomplish. The deeper mind will work against your “trying” efforts. This is because when you use the word try you are invoking your imagination and the imagination will always win over the intellect. For example, if I say to you, “try not to think about a pink dog.”… What just happened? You could not help it, you thought about a pink dog.

It is also important to understand that there really is no failure. If you set out to “try” something and it does not go as planned then you may see it as a failure on your part. Failure is a word with a negative connotation. If we fail then we have not reached a certain goal. If we look at it as failure, and we believe it to be a failure, there is a high probability that the next thought is, “I am a failure.” This can become a belief system, or it may have already been a belief you held about yourself and is now reinforced by this experience of not being successful in some area of your life for this goal you wanted to reach.

We must be in flow. We must allow life to show us the way and to show up for us. As much as we may want to, we cannot force life into a certain direction. When we do attempt to force life, we create our own stress. Instead, I invite you to follow the path life is giving you. Yet, we find ourselves many times not even realizing the path is there or that, in fact, we are already on the path. Instead we are frustrated because it feels as if that things are not going our way, that we quite literally are lost and have no idea what to do now. This happens because we have entered the path “trying” as opposed to entering the path being open to receiving feedback.

As we enter this new path to feedback the ego will roar.

It will want to fight your growth and your becoming. The ego does not want to “try,” the ego does not want to let go of the old in order to embrace the new.

This is because the ego believes it is keeping you safe in the old by not venturing into something new. Here is my question to you, what if this belief is false?

What if keeping the old does not keep you safe but instead keeps you stuck. This is exactly how try works against you and with your ego. The ego will not want to change so it holds onto the negative language of the word try, which sets us up to not accomplish.

Are you ready to explore why you are stuck?

Are you ready to look at your belief systems?

Are you ready to question yourself?

Most of all, are you ready to break free from the trappings of your ego?

To break free from the belief if I stay where I am, then I am safe.

To break free from the pain that keeps you small.

When you allow the waves of life to break over you, on the other side of the waves, the ocean is calm.

There is no going around a wave, is there?

We cannot swim around it, hide from it or avoid it.

We have 3 choices:

  • Allow it to take you down
  • Allow it to break over you and stand tall while it breaks
  • You don’t enter the water at all

Which one of these choices offers you the opportunity to grow?

Yes! You choose the crashing wave, you choose to go through, you choose you! You are choosing at that moment to grow and heal. Not to try to grow and heal but to enter in, to do the work and to come out on the other side. You are committing to you.

The light is on the other side of the pain, on the other side of the wave. In order to find the light, the healing and growth, we must go through.  When we go through, we tell the ego that we are done trying, that we are done with the old belief systems. That we are done playing small. We are done being in pain.

You are ready to embrace your authentic self.

Pause. Take a breath.

I want to offer you a reframe. Instead of using the word failure, use the word feedback. When we take the word failure and replace it with the word feedback, there is a shift. What if there was no failure, but instead you viewed each opportunity as feedback to you and for you. Feedback for your learning and as a way to refocus and redirect your efforts toward your goal and intentions.

Putting both of these concepts together looks like this. I am doing my best to accomplish a goal with the intention of a successful outcome. If the outcome does not go as planned, I will accept the feedback and use it as a catalyst to help me work toward the goal in a new way. I can adjust the goal to be in better alignment with what I wish to achieve. In doing so, I have not failed. I instead have set out to embark on working toward an outcome based on my intentions. Can you feel the difference between this and trying? This reframe is empowering, confidence building and supportive of you. This offers flexibility and kindness to the self as you venture down the desired path.

Embark on the journey through the crashing wave. Take it in. Do not tell yourself what you need to try to do. Just do it. Do the thing, take action, make the commitment. Use action words with yourself like I am going to, my intention is, I am moving forward.

The language must change. Here is how to change your language and inner voice. I am going to eat healthy. Or my intention is to eat healthy snacks and healthy meals. I will exercise in the morning. I will take a walk; I will do yoga. As the famous ad says, “just do it!” Find a way to do it, get rid of try. Step into your power. Own your thoughts, own your actions. Allow for feedback. Learn about yourself. Grow, be, and achieve.

Accept what is. This is perfect as it is. Appreciate the present moment. See that it is this way for right now and know it will change and shift as you flow with it. Acknowledge each experience.

Step forward, embrace the waves. You are able and capable. Be clear with your words and your intentions. You will shift, your ego will move to the side. It will have no choice as you will no longer be trying, you will be doing and being.

Janet is available for in person and remote sessions. Janet is also available to come speak at your events. If you want to talk to her send an email to hypnosisforhope@gmail.com for a free 30 minute consultation.

There is no how-to guide for when your child moves out

Wasn’t it just yesterday?

We brought you home from the hospital in the car seat, wearing a blue and white winter baby jacket. We put you on the kitchen table, looked at you, looked at one another and said, “Ok, now what?” We had no idea what to do with a baby. Do we let you sleep, wait for you to cry, change a diaper or just sit and stare at you? We had more questions than answers. Even the simple questions like,”is it ok to leave you unsupervised to go take a shower or unpack my hospital bag?” became complicated. We seriously did not know. I read all the baby books, took the prenatal classes and thought I was prepared. But no one and nothing was able to prepare me for that moment. That moment, which was a snapshot in time, but a snapshot that is etched forever in my mind. There were other moments that have happened in our lives which I will never forget, but none quite as powerful, until today.

Today you grew up. Today you are truly adulting. Today you moved out. You packed up your bedroom of all of your childhood, teenage and young adult memories and began your life. As you backed out of the driveway, with your car packed full, we were crying. This is how it is supposed to be, right?

As a mom, I know this, and also as a mom I am left under prepared. I thought I would be ready. I thought I would feel differently than I do. I thought I would feel similarly to how I felt when you left for college, it was hard but I was also ok. I thought that I would just have to adjust to your room being empty and you not being home every day. However, this is different. It is a new life milestone for you, for me and our entire family.

I am back looking around at the space you left behind and once again, I am faced with the questions:

“Ok, now what?”

“What do I do first?”

“What feeling do I feel first?”

How do I begin to process the fact that we did our job? And in doing our job it means we have to let you go. It also means you did your job. You grew up. You were responsible. You finished the job of childhood and have been promoted into adulthood. You are stepping through the threshold boldly, bravely, nervously, excitedly and ready.

What is my job now? Who is a mother when the one you were called upon to mother does not require your mothering in quite the same way?

  I am beginning to understand that I am being called to do a new job now and I am not

                                     entirely sure about the job description.

It is not spelled out in black and white. No one has ever written it down for me. I am called upon to look back on my life and draw reference from the other women in my life who have already gone through this stage. Women like my mother, mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my grandmothers, and my great-grandmothers. I find myself wondering, how did they feel, how did they do it? How did they make the transition from hands-on, being in the day-to-day life of your child to being a mother at a distance? They survived it. I moved out, my sisters moved out, my niece and nephew moved out, all of my in-laws moved out, my grandmother left Germany. My grandmother got on a boat to the United States right before the Nazi’s took over Germany. I cannot even imagine what my great-grandmother experienced as she watched her daughter, my grandma Alice, board a ship, knowing what was happening in Germany at the time. So, I know it can be and must be done. Because this is a pattern worth repeating.

It is a learning curve. Once again, I am called forward into unknown territory. The thing is, I do know what to do when I am called forward into a new stage of my life. I have to draw upon all the healing work I have already done. It is up to me to employ the tools I have learned. The very same tools I teach my clients to get to know and use. Here are some of those tools:

1. Look inside and feel your feelings.

2. What are the patterns that need to be recognized and uncovered?

3. Feel your emotional pain.

4. Allow the pain to pass through you.

5. Have conscious awareness, be present.

6. Do not get attached to a story or an outcome.

When we are aware of the fact that we are in a place of transition in our lives, as I am now, we are called forward to be. To be in the experience of this moment. The truth is, moments like this are hard and, right now, this moment hurts. I am not going to lie. This moment is present, it is here, it is now. There is no way to avoid feeling it. I know I must feel it until I am ready to move onto the next experience of the next feeling.

I also know the feelings will come in waves. I am ready and I am not ready. But, ready or not, I have no choice. When you allow yourself to ride those waves you can move through, not fall down, not get stuck and come out standing on the other side knowing you have all the tools inside of you to cope and survive. No matter what life throws your way, you can move through it successfully.

My daughter and I will move forward together. I will be there. I will be watching from just a few steps behind, just in case she wants to turn around, she will easily find me.

I will not intrude.

I will wait until I am asked.

What I do know is that I trust her.

What I do know is that I taught her as much as I could.

What I do know is that it is her turn to learn the rest on her own.

No one was able to teach me how to be her mother. I am so glad I was given the gift to learn, as my child is my teacher.

How is it that twenty-two years have passed? I find myself asking once again, this time as I look at an empty bedroom, “Ok, now what?”

Are you struggling with parenting or do your old patterns keep interfering in your day to day life? Here is a link for Janet’s book https://amzn.to/3hoIvWp, Show Up For Yourself- A Guide to Inner Awareness and Growth. This book can help you gain the tools you need to manage your emotions more successfully as life challenges show up each day. If you would like to book a complimentary 30 min consultation with Janet click here:https://janetphilbin.com/contact/

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CHAPTER 1: Conscious Relationship With Self

 

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