IndigoBlue Magazine – Reparenting Yourself and Healing the Inner Child

By Kate Orson

It is never too late to heal and recover from the past. Doing so can help us to lead happier, healthier, and vibrant lives in the present. Reparenting is defined as the act of giving to yourself what you didn’t receive as a child. Our parents did the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had available at the time, but we all grow up with hurt and wounds from not having all of deepest needs met.

You may have heard the concept that each of us has an ‘inner child’ within our psyche. Janet Philbin is a licensed social worker, hypnotist, and conscious parenting coach. She describes the inner child as something real which exists within our subconscious. Our inner child is a reflection of those unmet needs from childhood.

Philbin says that if we are not aware of our inner child they can end up ‘running the show.’ We end up reacting in ways similar to how we did as a child. For example, using coping skills such as ‘tantrums, becoming a people pleaser, lying, withdrawing, enabling,’  This can be challenging but there are ways we can connect to our inner child and meet their needs, so that we can reparent ourselves.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE HERE

Help, my nervous system is out of control

What is a nervous system to do?

Our children feel it, we feel it. When under stress our thoughts tend to take us into the future with worry. Right now, during the pandemic children all over the world are in a variety of new learning situations for school. Parents are worried. Parents of young children are worried about the impact of online school due to the lack of socialization and learning through play and sharing. Parents of older children are worried about how this will affect their child’s ability to get into college or be successful in life after graduation. We are all worried and wondering if our child is really learning what they need to learn and questioning if they are missing out. We are living in the year 2020, yet we are bringing the worry about some future event into the now.

The stressors you are under cause you to become emotionally dysregulated, and if you are dysregulated then your children may also be feeling dysregulated.

My clients often ask, “What am I supposed to do when I am feeling so dysregulated and I still have to parent my children?”

Essentially, they are asking, when I am dysregulated, how can I show up for my children?

This question applies to all life stressors not just the pandemic, online school and the current ways we have had to significantly alter our day to day lives.

It is up to you, the parent, to first regulate your own nervous system. Once your nervous system is regulated then you can show up for your children and help them by becoming their co-regulating partner. You do this for and with them, no matter how old your child is. Let’s explore how to do this through the lens of Polyvagal theory. Polyvagal theory gives a framework to understand your autonomic nervous system.

What is the autonomic nervous system?

The autonomic nervous system is always behind the scenes working and taking in the environment. Assessing what we see, feel, hear, and sense for cues of safety and cues of danger. This is called neuroception. The autonomic nervous system is always perceiving what is going on in our lives, in each and every moment. We react or respond based on whatever is coming into our autonomic nervous system through neuroception.

Based on our experiences, we respond through a hierarchy of one of three autonomic states when outside information comes into our awareness.

 The 3 autonomic states are:

  1. The Ventral state. We feel safe and connected here. When we are in this place we respond, we do not react. We feel good, balanced, calm and connected. We also feel safe in our environment. When we are in this feeling of safety and connection we can pause, look at the situation with some objectivity and then thoughtfully respond.
  2. The Sympathetic state. Mobilization, fight or flight. Mobilization gets us moving and taking action which can be a good thing. However, many times mobilization is fueled by anxiety and/or fear. Not enough to cause collapse but enough to cause us not to function at the highest level we can function at, usually we react. Many of the times these reactions are not in our best interests or the best interest of our child. These reactions can look like yelling, punishing or other reactions that make no sense and much of it comes from a place of fear.
  3. The Dorsal Ventral State- Feeling immobilized or collapsing. We shut down because outside influences are way too much for us.

These are the three states of our Autonomic Nervous System. Our children have these 3 states as well. We are born with them and they develop over time. When we learn how to regulate our nervous system, we can be a co-regulating partner for our child’s nervous system. That is the key.

Become a co-regulator.

Tips and tricks, you can use to regulate yours and your child’s autonomic nervous system.

  1. Begin to be aware of your own nervous system by asking questions like: What is happening within you when you become overwhelmed or triggered by your child or an outside event? What happens within your body when you think about how you feel in relation to the trigger? You may feel or experience fear, confusion, anxiety. You may feel like a victim and may wind up shutting down or becoming very anxious. These reactions bring us into either a dorsal or sympathetic state. We do not function optimally when in those states. The goal is to move up the hierarchy into a ventral state.
  1. When you feel these big feelings of anxiety ask yourself these questions:

 “In this moment that I am in, what is the response I need in order to begin to feel better? “

 “Where am I feeling it in my body?”

 “What does my body need to do right now to feel more calm and balanced?”

– Maybe you need to take a few breaths, grab a glass of water, take a walk, sit in quiet, stretch or anything else that helps you move into a place of balance inside.

 -You are now tuning into and taking care of your nervous system. When you take care of your needs you can move from anxiety into the calm place of safety, the ventral state. 

  1.  Once you are back in safety then you can ask: What does my child need, in this moment, right now from me?

If you respond to your child from a place of anxiety, fear or uncertainty without taking care of you first, your child will respond to your anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Your child will mirror back to you the state you are in.

             Your child’s nervous system reads your nervous system.

Autonomic nervous systems communicate with one another. This is why we need to take care of our autonomic nervous system first, before interacting with our child. Once we become aware of this, we can regulate ourselves, this sends our child cues of safety. In other words:

            Your calm nervous system calms their nervous system. 

Ways to create autonomic safety for your child’s nervous system:

  1. The tone of your voice– Prosody- when we speak in a calm, soft tone of voice your child’s nervous system will calm down. The research has shown that the tone of your voice actually matters more than what you are actually saying.
  2. Non-language sounds like hmms, ahhs and ah-ah allows your child to know they are being heard. This non-language sound is called a vocal burst and it lets your child know I hear you and you are safe telling this to me.
  3. Tilt your head– when you are listening to someone, tilt your head to the right or left. This creates safety. This goes back to our primitive brains and our basic needs for safety. If the neck is exposed, you are at risk. If you show your neck to another you let their nervous system know there is no risk here.
  4. A soft stare or soft eye contact. A soft gaze
  5. A welcoming facial expression. Smile with your eyes.

Three essential elements to help your child’s nervous system feel safe:

-Our nervous systems need these three elements to feel safe during uncertain times.

  1. Context: Information- We need answers to the questions of who, what, where, when and why. Giving this kind of explicit context and information gives our nervous system enough information that lets us know we are safe.
  2. Choice: Choice helps our nervous system feel safe. We need to find creative ways to create choices. This will be different for each child based on their needs and learning abilities. If your child is old enough, include them in coming up with creative choice.
  3. Connection: This is key, and it goes hand in hand with conscious parenting. Connection over correction. Keep coming back and ask yourself how I can be most connected with my child right now. We want to have connections to help them feel safe to decrease anxiety and strengthen the relationship.

Examples for creating safety:

-Have a dance party on a break.

– Give a hug.

– Give a cue of safety: sing a song softly into their ear that you used to sing when they were a baby while you rock and hug them. This works to calm their nervous system because the subconscious mind will remember. This will help them feel safe and help their nervous system regulate. What are the things you can bring forward from the past that used to be a cue of safety for your child and use it in the present?

-You are only limited by your imagination.

Have compassion for yourself and your child. This is a learning process. The more you learn about your own nervous system and how to regulate yourself, the better you will be to help them regulate theirs. You are your child’s co-regulating partner.

There is no how-to guide for when your child moves out

Wasn’t it just yesterday?

We brought you home from the hospital in the car seat, wearing a blue and white winter baby jacket. We put you on the kitchen table, looked at you, looked at one another and said, “Ok, now what?” We had no idea what to do with a baby. Do we let you sleep, wait for you to cry, change a diaper or just sit and stare at you? We had more questions than answers. Even the simple questions like,”is it ok to leave you unsupervised to go take a shower or unpack my hospital bag?” became complicated. We seriously did not know. I read all the baby books, took the prenatal classes and thought I was prepared. But no one and nothing was able to prepare me for that moment. That moment, which was a snapshot in time, but a snapshot that is etched forever in my mind. There were other moments that have happened in our lives which I will never forget, but none quite as powerful, until today.

Today you grew up. Today you are truly adulting. Today you moved out. You packed up your bedroom of all of your childhood, teenage and young adult memories and began your life. As you backed out of the driveway, with your car packed full, we were crying. This is how it is supposed to be, right?

As a mom, I know this, and also as a mom I am left under prepared. I thought I would be ready. I thought I would feel differently than I do. I thought I would feel similarly to how I felt when you left for college, it was hard but I was also ok. I thought that I would just have to adjust to your room being empty and you not being home every day. However, this is different. It is a new life milestone for you, for me and our entire family.

I am back looking around at the space you left behind and once again, I am faced with the questions:

“Ok, now what?”

“What do I do first?”

“What feeling do I feel first?”

How do I begin to process the fact that we did our job? And in doing our job it means we have to let you go. It also means you did your job. You grew up. You were responsible. You finished the job of childhood and have been promoted into adulthood. You are stepping through the threshold boldly, bravely, nervously, excitedly and ready.

What is my job now? Who is a mother when the one you were called upon to mother does not require your mothering in quite the same way?

  I am beginning to understand that I am being called to do a new job now and I am not

                                     entirely sure about the job description.

It is not spelled out in black and white. No one has ever written it down for me. I am called upon to look back on my life and draw reference from the other women in my life who have already gone through this stage. Women like my mother, mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my grandmothers, and my great-grandmothers. I find myself wondering, how did they feel, how did they do it? How did they make the transition from hands-on, being in the day-to-day life of your child to being a mother at a distance? They survived it. I moved out, my sisters moved out, my niece and nephew moved out, all of my in-laws moved out, my grandmother left Germany. My grandmother got on a boat to the United States right before the Nazi’s took over Germany. I cannot even imagine what my great-grandmother experienced as she watched her daughter, my grandma Alice, board a ship, knowing what was happening in Germany at the time. So, I know it can be and must be done. Because this is a pattern worth repeating. 

It is a learning curve. Once again, I am called forward into unknown territory. The thing is, I do know what to do when I am called forward into a new stage of my life. I have to draw upon all the healing work I have already done. It is up to me to employ the tools I have learned. The very same tools I teach my clients to get to know and use. Here are some of those tools:

1. Look inside and feel your feelings.

2. What are the patterns that need to be recognized and uncovered?

3. Feel your emotional pain.

4. Allow the pain to pass through you.

5. Have conscious awareness, be present.

6. Do not get attached to a story or an outcome.

When we are aware of the fact that we are in a place of transition in our lives, as I am now, we are called forward to be. To be in the experience of this moment. The truth is, moments like this are hard and, right now, this moment hurts. I am not going to lie. This moment is present, it is here, it is now. There is no way to avoid feeling it. I know I must feel it until I am ready to move onto the next experience of the next feeling.

I also know the feelings will come in waves. I am ready and I am not ready. But, ready or not, I have no choice. When you allow yourself to ride those waves you can move through, not fall down, not get stuck and come out standing on the other side knowing you have all the tools inside of you to cope and survive. No matter what life throws your way, you can move through it successfully.

My daughter and I will move forward together. I will be there. I will be watching from just a few steps behind, just in case she wants to turn around, she will easily find me.

I will not intrude.

I will wait until I am asked.

What I do know is that I trust her.

What I do know is that I taught her as much as I could.

What I do know is that it is her turn to learn the rest on her own.

No one was able to teach me how to be her mother. I am so glad I was given the gift to learn, as my child is my teacher.

How is it that twenty-two years have passed? I find myself asking once again, this time as I look at an empty bedroom, “Ok, now what?”

Are you struggling with parenting or do your old patterns keep interfering in your day to day life? Here is a link for Janet’s book https://amzn.to/3hoIvWp, Show Up For Yourself- A Guide to Inner Awareness and Growth. This book can help you gain the tools you need to manage your emotions more successfully as life challenges show up each day. If you would like to book a complimentary 30 min consultation with Janet click here:https://janetphilbin.com/contact/

Parenting Consciously: A Starting Point For Learning to Yell Less

“What does conscious parenting mean?” 

“Who is a conscious parent?”

“What does it mean to be a conscious parent?” 

These are the questions I was asking myself as I began to delve into the world of conscious parenting.  My own journey into this subject began quite by chance from a book recommendation. The book, The Awakened Family by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, felt like it was speaking directly to me. One of the first sentences that I read was: “We awaken when we become aware of who we truly are.” 

To me, that message was that our essence, our true self is important. And while I was intrigued by the desire to find my true self, I also immediately wanted to know how this related at all to parenting.

As a clinical psychologist who merges the world of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, Dr. Shefali has a totally different approach to parenting than anything I had ever encountered or experienced. She talks about our job of parenting our children as raising a spirit and honoring their essence—that the children who are delivered to us are done so for a reason. According to Dr. Shefali, conscious parents implicitly trust their child’s intuition to recognize their own destiny.

But here’s the part that might really blow your mind: They are brought to us to mirror back to us the parts of ourselves that we need to pay attention to and to heal. This aspect of Dr. Shefali’s approach to conscious parenting gets me so excited. It is why I have become so passionate about the subject, and why I feel a calling to teach and share this philosophy with as many people as possible.

This premise is also the foundation for understanding the reasons why we yell and provides us with the tools to learn how to stop yelling and start connecting.

Coming back to my original questions about what is a conscious parent and how we can become one: Conscious parenting uses ordinary, moment-by-moment interactions with our children to enable an authentic connection with them.  

By being present, conscious and aware in the moment, overtime, a new family dynamic emerges which can dramatically impact families.  When a parent changes their own reactions, behaviors, responses, and interactions the child’s behavior changes. This leads to a behavioral shift in relationships. How we respond to them, not react, becomes our own inner barometer of how conscious we are.

A conscious parent is something that is learned. It is learned through the actual experience of relating to our children, things we cannot learn by reading all of the many “how to” parenting books that are out there.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

  As we learn to become conscious parents some questions arise:    

  •      Can we accept our children in their “as is” state in each moment?  
  • Can we get our entire heart and mind involved and in agreement to the process? 
  •   Can we also accept the kind of parent we need to be for our particular child
  •      Can we be the parent our child needs us to be as opposed to the parent we think they need?
  • Can we allow them to exist without the snares of our own expectations? 

These are some of the challenges that we have to navigate in becoming a conscious parent.  Conscious parenting spoke so deeply to me because of my many years of clinical work as a social worker and as a hypnotherapist. I understand the way our deeper mind works and how unresolved, unhealed childhood conflicts impact us in our adult lives. These unresolved issues will and do directly affect the way we parent and we probably don’t even realize the degree to which this happens. Being unaware of those issues is one of the reasons we wind up yelling.

Dr. Shefali teaches us that when we react to our children’s emotional reactions, tantrums, defiance, etc. we are reacting from our own child inside of us who is now triggered and is fighting back. She asks us to tune in and pay attention to our own inner landscape so we do not react from the place of our wounded inner child but instead can respond to our child from our adult loving self. 

I know we can all heal our inner child; I am living proof. If our child is shining light onto the issues that we—as parents—need to address, acknowledging it is the first step. The next step is actually addressing it so that we can heal. We then can be in a healthier place with ourselves, and with our children. We will finally be able to connect with them and develop stronger bonds. This is your invitation to begin to peel back the layers to a better self-understanding, to yell less and to connect more.

Janet Philbin is the author of the book, Show Up For Yourself- A Guide to Inner Awareness and Growth.  In this book she takes the reader on a journey to heal their own inner child. When we heal our own pain of the past it no longer will have control over us in the present. If this article speaks to your heart, the book will give you a framework to help you heal the pain that your heart has been holding. You can get a copy of the book here: https://amzn.to/3cgxKCp.

Janet works with clients worldwide, helping them to heal the wounds their inner child carry.  You can reach her through her website, https://janetphilbin.com/.  She is also available to come speak at your event, business or school.

Emotions: the unexpected gift of being a conscious parent-part 4

This is the final piece in my series about how emotions are the unexpected gift when you parent from a conscious place.

10. Healing yourself

Step into the awareness knowing of yourself and your truth, this empowers you. 

Others in your family may not “get” you and that is ok.  The only one who really needs to understand you is you. When you stand in alignment with yourself and honor yourself you are affecting the family system.

When you embody conscious parenting, practice it, and apply it you will create energetic changes in your home.  That shift will be felt by others, they may not even have words to express what they are experiencing but they will be experiencing it.  This happens because you now approach them and respond to them in a new way. You will be creating a ripple effect, just like the ripple created when a pebble is thrown into a pond.  The outermost ripple does not know what started the change, it does not know it was only a small pebble, but there was no avoiding the impact of the energy that pebble sent out.

You are the pebble!  You are creating energetic shifts in you and in the home.  Your family members may not like this change and it will take time for them to adjust.  The key is your consistency, holding your boundaries and embodying your beliefs as a conscious parent.

 11. Empowerment

Dr. Shefali Tsabary teaches that we always have 3 choices when faced with any situation.  These choices are; accept it, change it or leave it. As parents we need to learn these three choices and have them in the forefront of our minds when dealing with challenging situations with our children.  In those moments we are not powerless, out of control or reactive instead we tap into the wisdom of this choice which resides within us at all times.

The beautiful thing about knowing that these choices are there for us is that we have the ability to teach them to our children.  We do not own these freedoms of choice. Our kids get into sticky emotional situations too. It is a gift as a conscious parent to share this wisdom with them, at their young ages, so it can become part of who they are and a healthy coping skill for them to turn to when they are in the emotional throws of life. 

We get to have the greatest impact in life, positive or negative, with our children.  Once your child is old enough you can begin to teach them this philosophy. I believe a child as young as 4 can begin to understand there is always a choice when faced with something confusing and/or upsetting.  Explaining these choices to your children is done with language appropriate for that age. You are not going to explain something to a 10-year-old with the same language you would to a 16-year-old. The first step is to keep your child’s age in mind.

Children, especially tweens and teens, go through so much heartache in their friendships.  They experience hurt feelings, anger, grief, jealousy, pain, not worthy or good enough, feeling left out and not important. They often wonder, “What is wrong with me?” 

If your child comes to you with this deep pain, we must first take that breath and pause.  Next we must remember this is not our problem to solve, even though our mama or papa bear instincts want to kick in to rescue them.  It is in these moments we are being called upon to understand that these are their problems. We cannot minimize what they are sharing because in that moment what they are sharing is of the utmost importance to them. 

Do not:

– Minimize their feelings by saying things like, “all kids go through something like this at your age.”  

-Attempt to get them to move on from their emotions because you may be feeling quite uncomfortable hearing their pain. 

-Make a joke, change the subject, offer food or ice cream so that they feel better.  If we do that, we are telling them two things; your feelings don’t matter and it is better to bury or avoid your feelings rather than to experience them. 

We are being called upon, as conscious parents, to listen with an open heart and bear witness to their pain.  

We must create a safe space for them to have and share their feelings.  It is at this point that we can offer them support and teach them about the three choices.

Start by explaining that in every life situation we always have a choice as to how we are going to respond.  Go through the three choices of accept it, change it or leave it. Speak to them about it with age appropriate language.  Speak with your child with empathy and understanding and let them know they get to choose. Let them know that no one can take their sense of self away or their ability to make their own choices in life. 

The first choice is to accept.  Accepting means that we fully accept the reality of the situation, the as-is, that is in front of us.  Not only to accept it externally but we must accept it internally as well. This means we must look at it as something that is not happening to us, because then we are a victim of circumstance.  Instead see it as something that is happening for us in our life. That does not mean they have to like it or even agree with it but they must accept it.

When we do not accept the reality of the present moment, we cause our own pain. That pain is, “I wish it were another way.”  But it is not, it is this way. Help them be in reality, in the as-is, of it.

Empower them to understand no one is doing anything to them, it is just something that has happened and this has happened for them.   By helping them accept the as-is we can help them not make up a story in their head about why this happened. When we get stuck in the merry-go-round of that story we spin around and around and this only causes more anxiety and upset. 

The second choice is to change.  Now it is not possible to change the other (see part 3). Only the other person can make this choice for themselves.  The change that they need to make is within them. They get to choose to change how they interact with this person, how they talk with them, whether or not they will talk with them.  You see, like us, our kids have been reacting in one way with the others in their lives. If your child keeps getting hurt, it is up to us, as conscious parents, to shine light on the situation with them and help them see what aspects of their life they would like to change to help them with this situation.  Maybe they decide to change friend groups or join more activities to make new friends so they are not as dependent on the old ones. Maybe they stop reaching out as much. There is always a choice to change.  This choice is theirs and that is empowering for them to know and feel.

The third choice is to stay.  That means nothing changes. They continue to go along in the relationship as is without looking at their own stuff, still in the same dynamics and continue on the ride.  And this is ok too. Eventually they will want to change but until then you can still support them and provide the safe ear of listening and the hug to reassure them that no matter what they are loved for who they are.  That they are seen, worthy, important and that they matter.

This brings us back to where we started, emotions: the unexpected gift of being a conscious parent.  Parenting brings up emotions and brings up the most painful and uncomfortable ones. In my opinion, being in and experiencing these emotions within ourselves is one of the hardest parts of parenting.  You must tolerate your own discomfort and resist the urge to fix your child so you can feel better.  

In doing our own self-care we are able to:

– Bear witness to their emotional storm

– Honor their unfolding spirit

– Allow your child to teach you

– Grow into your own self awareness

– Understand mistakes are learning opportunities

– Relinquish control

– Be present and connect

– Change yourself

– Detach from the past

– Heal yourself

– Become empowered.

Our children will keep showing us our patterns, pain, fear and emotions.  What is your choice? How will you best take care of you? Do you choose to grow and change?  

The choice is yours.  The gifts are here, wrapped up and ready to be opened.  Let’s start opening them embracing each one and embracing each child who was generous enough and gifted enough to bring them to you.

Janet is available for in person and remote sessions. Janet is also available to come speak at your events. If you want to talk to her send an email to Janet@JanetPhilbin.com for a free 30 minute consultation. The ability to heal and grow is in each one of us.

Emotions: The unexpected gift of being a conscious parent -Part 3

This is part 3 in a series about the gifts of emotions when parenting consciously.

I am walking this path of conscious parenting with all of you.  As I have traveled this journey of conscious parenting, I have come to learn many things and have gained insight about myself.  In learning these aspects and gaining this insight I realized that I was the one impacting my children. I also learned that it is up to me to take ownership of my emotional baggage and not expect others to change for me.  I must heal myself and allow my children the room to become who they came here to be. It is up to all of us, as parents, to give our children the space to be who they truly are. Here are two more gifts you get to receive when parenting from a conscious place.

8. The only one you can change is yourself

 This is the gift you give yourself.

We may not like this, but it is true.  You actually have no power over another person.  We cannot make another heal, grow, change, see it our way, do it our way unless they want to.   This is also true for your child.

There is a belief that as parents we can “make” our kids change because we want them to.  We are the parent and therefore in a more powerful position. We hold the false belief that we can force them to be, do, become someone or something they are not.  As a parent you may wind up fighting with your child to do it your way, which may be against who they intrinsically are. This just sets you up for a power struggle of wills which will end in resentment on both of your parts. 

This struggle may also lead to your child lying to you.  They lie because they know they cannot tell the truth; they know it is against your way.  So instead of getting in trouble, they lie, tell you what you want to hear, and you wind up with a very inauthentic relationship.  If you are resistant to who your children are, they may show up with defiant behaviors. If you are unable to see things from their perspective and are rigid in your thinking or what you allow then you may see lying.  All of this leads to disconnection, and the goal is to have opportunities for connection. You may not like the truth and you may not like the choices another is making but that is your issue and not theirs.

It is up to you to look inside and find out why their truth and decisions are bothersome or upsetting to you. 

What can you do?   You can provide support, education, acceptance and unconditional love.  Let your child see that you do support them but you are also inviting them to try things out another way.  Again, this does not apply to red flag issues where there is a danger to health or safety. At those times immediate and decisive action is needed.

We must release the other of the expectations you have for them to change and accept the is-ness of the now, the situation, the relationship.  Only we can change, we must release the other.  In releasing of the other we begin to raise our self and allow our child the space to be who they need and want to be.

If we cannot release them from our conditions, and health or safety is not the issue, then the truth is the issue is you.  It is up to you to take an objective and a close look at you and see where your attachments to wanting to control your child are coming from.  Begin to ask yourself some questions: 

– What is my unmet need?

– Is this coming from a place of lack in me?  

– Do I want my child to achieve something so I can feel better about me?  

– Am I gaining my sense of worth through my child’s accomplishments?  

– If I am, when and where did I give up on myself? 

The answer to these questions, and others, lie within you.  Your very own inner child is in pain and is the one acting out.  The real question to ask is, “Do I want to parent from a place of my wounded inner child or do I want to parent from a place of my whole adult self?”  I know, for me, I want to parent from a place of my whole adult self. In order to do this, we must tend to our own emotions. The change starts with you!

9. Detach from the past

 It is our longing to hold onto the stories of the past that keeps us stuck there. 

The past is not in the present, those events are long gone. Problems show up when we hold onto the past.   We believe that we have a right to those old feelings and we apply them in the present moment.  We believe that somehow those old patterns, emotions, reactions are relevant in the now. The truth is they are not.  All that is relevant in the now is the present moment. Do not let the stories of the past tarnish the now.  This is where inner work and reflection come in.

It is a time to ask yourself, what is my need in this moment?  Where is this need coming from? Is it happening in the now, or is it some old story I am holding onto and applying to my now?

Do you know your child in the present?  Are all of the decisions you make, reactions and feelings you have about them connected to yesterday, one year ago or five years ago? It is up to you as a conscious parent to see your child with present moment awareness. 

When you have a reaction, is it based on who you believe your child to be or who they are now?  Maybe your child always had a tantrum when you had to transition from one activity to another, but now two years later they no longer do that but you still hold the fear that they will.  Have you changed the way you approach transition or do you project fear onto your child and approach them with the expectation of the old behavior? 

Acting from a place of expectation based on the past is not being present. 

You are bringing old patterns and energy with you to the now. All that will do is give you what you are expecting and you may get behaviors from your child and will continue to view them from an old lens.  

If you instead approach them with a clean slate, no expectations of a poor outcome, then you will have a different interaction and find connections.  When you do not stay present you are doing a disservice to yourself and your child. You are robbing both of you of the now.

It is up to you, as a conscious parent, to be in the present moment with your child.  Being mindful, connected, aware, and in tune with what is coming up for you and within you.  When you are with your child in the now you are training the muscle, you are using. When you go to the gym and do bicep curls you are training your biceps.  When you stay in the present moment you are building your muscles of consciousness and mindfulness and can then parent from a place of inner awareness. 

To stay present you pause, take a breath, check in with yourself, ask yourself the questions from above, and allow a few minutes for the feelings to pass.  When you stay present you are giving yourself a gift. The gift of now. 

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CHAPTER 1: Conscious Relationship With Self

 

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